Living with Anxiety and Panic disorders

[primalscream]

This letter was posted on My Space by a friend of mine, and they have given their kind permission for me to pass it on to others. I have Borderline Personality Disorder alongside anxiety disorder and depression, and this letter really struck a cord with me. It explains so accurately and eloquently how it feels to to live with the affliction of a panic or anxiety disorder. Sometimes it can be so hard to explain this condition to others, to explain why ,when even if that person is your best friend, you can still feel extreme anxiety and panic when around them. I'm hoping in the posting of this beautifully expressed piece, that it will help others out there understand this condition, and help other sufferers to know that they are not alone.


Dear non-panic disorder sufferer,

There are some things I want you to know about me and my condition. I am not necessarily shy, that's not what a panic disorder is. I am an outgoing person who often feels trapped inside a wall of fear. I get really angry sometimes because what I feel like is the real me trapped behind my anxiety. I probably want to be affectionate and laid back and fun at any given time but you make me nervous. It's not your fault, it's just people- it's nothing you do or did. I can only become desensitised to people by spending a lot of time with them and even then sometimes it doesn't work. Sometimes, with some people, it works right away.

I know that what I'm afraid of isn't real. I know that the threat is an illusion and that I'm not really going to get hurt, but my body is telling me otherwise. I try to talk myself out of it but "fight or flight" is one of the most basic and powerful instincts of the body, and it doesn't always listen.

I am working really hard to combat my anxiety disorder. Some days I start to give up because I've been fighting for so long and it doesn't seem to change, or I make progress and then I backslide. It's inevitable that I get depressed and may not seem to be working to help myself. Having an anxiety disorder is really hard and I promise I'm doing what I can. Much of the fight that goes on with my condition happens inside my head, so while it might not seem like I am trying to help myself, I am.

I am constantly exhausted. If your body went through intense terror each day (or sometimes, just from time-to-time) and then crashed, you'd be exhausted too. I have to make myself move when I am crashing and sometimes I just have to sleep. My body doesn't present that as an option; it's just an order- "You. Sleep. Now". Sometimes I don't get things done because I am tired. Please don't get mad at me if I don't always do everything I am supposed to do- it can be a real struggle to do little things that most people don't think twice about, like walking into a store, running errands, sometimes even leaving the house.

Some of my behaviour might seem pretty odd at times. I might make someone go to places I ought to be able to go to alone because I need a "safe" person there. I might come off as clingy and dependent on others, but my reasoning is not what you might assume- "safe" people are our anchors to sanity. Real or not, we assume we can count on them to help us if we become terrified, and that can make the difference between fleeing a place or being able to stick it out. We develop triggers in specific places and that place, as innocuous as it might seem to you, scares me to death. I don't want to feel that way; it's embarrassing, but I do.How would you feel if you were terrified out of your mind in a place or around a person you know is harmless in your heart?

I try many things to combat my anxiety. If you've heard about a technique, I've probably heard about it. I've tried meditation, yoga, acupuncture, keeping active, positive self-talk, cognitive behavioural therapy, regular therapy, and medication, among things. I've tried lots of different medications. Anxiety Disorder (and depression, since the two are linked- you'd be depressed if you had an anxiety disorder) often get treated with strong medication, and strong medications have side effects. When I am trying new medications, I might be "off" and irrational. Please forgive me, it's not me, it's the meds. Also some medications make me extra dizzy and tired or any number of other things that aren't my normal or desired state. Most medication used to treat anxiety is something the body becomes immune to over time, so the dosage must be increased. So, occasionally I may relapse when I am not expecting it. I don't necessarily know the cause.

Please don't make fun of me when I am experiencing a panic attack- it's horrible enough without you ridiculing me. You wouldn't be laughing if you were the one whose body was revolting in fear. I'm not making anything up, I'm not trying to use panic attacks as an excuse not to do things, and I surely don't want to be a burden on you or affect your life negatively. Knowing I sometimes am and sometimes do adds to the misery of the condition. What I really need is for you to let me hold your hand or arm tightly at times, and to humour me and just tell me it isn't real and I don't have to be scared, even if it's the millionth time you've said it. Tell me you'll protect me and I might just believe you, because I want to so badly. I want to be tough and independent and in control, but something (psychological and chemical) inside me won't let me be free.

Panic disorders are almost always genetic and are chemically related, though they're often triggered by a traumatic event. Before realizing what is happening to us, most panic disorder sufferers go through a terrible period of thinking that we are dying when we're having a panic attack, or that something terrible is about to happen to us, etc. It's impossible to understand when it first happens, unless someone is there to warn you. There usually isn't.

Many of us live in terror of letting other people know we're freaking out, so while we might seem normal, in control, and calm, our insides are often a different story. It's OK to tell us we seem more stable or more confident- we'll appreciate you noticing. Just know that sometimes it's an illusion, sometimes true one day but not the next. Acting like it's a result of something we didn't do is a double-blow, the first one being our own senses of failure for not being able to just "tough it out", "grin and bear it", etc.

Sometimes, just walking into a room by ourselves is the accomplishment of the day. Sometimes, we could lead a parade. Please, give us the credit for living with something so tough and managing to do anything. Please, just support us and help us, and listen to us. It's natural to get annoyed sometimes, but if you're annoyed, we're probably beating ourselves up because we're a self-critical lot. That's part of how we got this way, by being to self-aware.

We are trying to win the battle, but some days we just want to give up.

Thanks, and we love those who help us,

Someone you know with a panic disorder.

ANONYMOUS

[Trev Williams]

thanks for sharing that. I agree panic is one of the most horrible things you can go through ever. I hope your friend knows that although most people probably wont understand.. there are deffinately quite a few who care.

[Trev Williams]

from BBC :

news.bbc.co.uk/go/pr/fr/-/1/hi/health/7988310.stm

A charity is calling for a nationwide campaign to protect the UK's mental health after a survey suggested people were growing ever more anxious.

The poll of 2,000 adults for the Mental Health Foundation found 77% found the world more frightening than in 1999.

The charity described a "culture of fear" in which the media and politicians fuelled a sense of unease.

But one sociologist said the campaign risked becoming a "self-fulfilling prophecy" making people more anxious.

The report, In the Face of Fear, found more than a third of people say they get frightened or anxious more often than they used to, while 77% thought the world had become a scarier place.

While the economic climate was seen as part of the reason for the increased levels of fear, the charity said it believed there were other factors at play.

The report said "worst-case-scenario language" sometimes used by politicians, pressure groups, businesses and public bodies around issues such as knife-crime, MRSA, bird-flu and terrorism can have a detrimental effect on people's wellbeing.

Variations

Meanwhile it said devices to reassure people such as CCTV "can actually make people feel more fearful, sensing that high security suggests risk. Fear of crime continues to rise even though crime rates have fallen in the last decade".

The survey found variations - geographical as well as generational - among the 2,000 adults polled.

“ The modern world will test our resilience again and again and people need to know how to process their emotions better to prevent harm to their mental and physical health ”
Dr Andrew McCulloch Mental Health Foundation
Londoners were nearly twice as likely to feel anxious "a lot of the time" than those elsewhere in the country.

Younger people also consistently reported greater fear than older people, while women were more than twice as likely to report experiencing anxiety than men.

The report also drew on research by the Office of National Statistics which suggested that those diagnosed with anxiety-related disorders tended to be single, divorced or separated and earning less money.

These apparently increasing levels of fear needed to be addressed, the foundation argued, as those who suffer from anxiety were much more likely to experience other problems such as heart disease, gastrointestinal troubles, asthma and allergies.

"The modern world will test our resilience again and again and people need to know how to process their emotions better to prevent harm to their mental and physical health," said Mental Health Foundation chief executive Dr Andrew McCulloch.

"A mental health promotion campaign that shows individuals how to look after their own mental health would be of immense public benefit, and help prevent common mental health problems like anxiety and depression."

Free leaflets

As well as a mental heath promotion strategy, the charity wants the government to stop "unnecessarily using the language of fear".

It wants treatments such as cognitive behavioural therapy to be more readily available, and the free provision of self-help book and leaflets.

Parenting programmes could help parents learn how to raise children who have a "proportionate relationship" with fear, it says.

But Kent University sociologist Frank Furedi said "the last thing people need is parenting classes".

"There is a sense that people are more afraid, but such campaigns become self-fulfilling prophecies," he said.

"Their bottom line is always that people are not coping and that becomes the message that people take away - they lose faith in themselves.

"But we do need more of a robust communal infrastructure so that people don't feel so alone, as the report highlights," he added.

"And ironically it may be the current common threat of economic meltdown which in fact brings us together."




Story from BBC NEWS:
news.bbc.co.uk/go/pr/fr/-/1/hi/health/7988310.stm

Published: 2009/04/13 23:03:16 GMT

© BBC MMIX